EastEnders

Despite the affairs, illegitimate children and lies, there's always been a certain romantic purity (a phrase that's not oft used concerning 'Enders') about Carol and David Wicks. You can believe their past as childhood sweethearts – most of this is down to Michael French and Lindsey Coulson, who act the socks off most of the rest of the cast.

So, following the death of Pat and the normal fun-packed funeral scenes (for which David has to raise £15,000), it's heartening to see them back together. And not surprising – every time someone close to Carol dies she hops into bed with the nearest man. Remember Conor?

But before Bianca can get all teary-eyed about her mum and dad getting back together, there's trouble already brewing. Carol's thuggish brother Derek is not going to be pleased – he's already told David he's living on borrowed time after Pat is laid to rest.

David decides the only way to escape Derek's attack is to conspire against him. Unfortunately he picks Michael Moon as co-conspirator. How is David to know that every plot Michael is involved in falls apart?

So when they try and plant evidence on him and get him arrested, it doesn't go according to plan. Not at all. With Derek even angrier, David is going to have to leave in a hurry – but will Carol go with him?

Also this week: Lucy Beale, looking like a completely different girl to when she left, returns to the Square for Pat's funeral and demands to know who is sleeping in Ian's bed.

Coronation Street

Hands up who spotted that Kirsty Soames had a touch of the bunny boiler about her? That's everyone except Tyrone, then. Even after Rita was caught in the crossfire of her feud with Tina, he still won't believe Tina when she points out Kirsty is a bit of a nut job, particularly not after Kirsty makes Rita's speeding ticket go away. In fact, even Rita is convinced Kirsty is a heroine for helping out with the ticket.

Fortunately, Tina doesn't give up and after a night in the pub heads off to confront Kirsty once more. And this time, just as Kirsty hits back and threatens her Tyrone walks in and views his new girlfriend's psycho side.

Kirsty ends up moving out – not before having a pop at Tina ("Mouth on a stick"). But she's set her heart on Tyrone and she's not going to give up easily. She becomes convinced Tina has split them up, so she can have a clear run at Tyrone herself.

So when she sees the pair of them getting in a car together, she decides to give chase - with the sirens on her car blaring. Tina refuses to stop and things get heated, until Tina slams on the brakes at a red light and Kirsty rams into the back of them.

It's not a fatal crash, more of an unpleasant bump – but Kirsty is knocked out. However, speaking of unexpected unpleasant bumps knocking you for six, when Tyrone goes to visit her in hospital, he gets an awful surprise. A doctor enters the room and tells them both "You're pregnant. Congratulations."

Tyrone swallows something hard and jagged. And who can blame him?

Also this week: Kylie and David's war with Owen turns nasty when creosote is tipped into his fish pond. Oh my cod. Something for him to really carp about, etc.

Emmerdale

It's bad enough for poor old Sarah dying of an unspecified illness. But imagine what it is going to be like for her 'saviour sibling' who Andy and Debbie have decided to create. Who is she going to live with? It's going to be awkward explaining what happened to her when she/he grows up, isn't it?

Anyway, there's a way to go yet, 'cause Andy and Debbie can't get their artificial insemination to work, so they decide the only thing to do is to try out the real thing. Their respective partners Cameron and Alicia are left unaware the desperate parents are doing some hot and heavy insemination behind their backs.

But on their first assignation, Debbie can't go through with it and runs away before Andy can even think about genetic matching. He's stunned and humiliated and even a tryst with Alicia can't get his confidence back.

But distraught that she's let Sarah down, Debbie decides to, er, get back on the horse right away. She arranges a secret night in a hotel and seduces a willing Andy.

There's only one problem. When he's all done, he confesses that he still has feelings for her. Try explaining all that to a saviour sibling.

Also this week: Ashley decides to move on to a new parish in Leeds with Laurel. But Sandy refuses to go with them.